For a long time I believed my depressive symptoms were because I was not close enough to God, because I missed a prayer, or because I was not a “good enough Muslim”.
As a daughter of two immigrants who sacrificed everything I felt like I couldn’t complain. My parents put a roof over my head, they helped me with homework, they practiced English with me, and taught me about my religion. What more could I ask of them? There was no way I could ask them to explain why I dealt with suicidal ideation since the age of elementary school. However, as the years passed and my mental health progressively got worse I realized asking for help was exactly what I needed.
In certain communities mental health is still a taboo topic and is rarely ever discussed unless it is to speak negatively of someone and refer to them as “crazy”. I’ve always believed myself to be a particularly spiritual person - I remember sitting on the Prayer Mat after my daily prayers day after day and sobbing silently to God asking why I had to suffer through such feelings and emotions. I never felt comfortable enough to tell my parents the extent of my depression but I would sometimes casually mention “I don’t feel that great”, “I feel like I have no energy”, “I wish I could just sleep all day today” and my parents as well as others would respond with “you should pray more”, “go ask for forgiveness” or I would hear things like, “it’s because you don’t pray”, or “its because you focus so much on everything else in your life and not on God”. For some people, praying brings them a peace of mind and gives them clarity - it does for me. However, at the same time I can recognize that praying and being religious is not a substitute for mental health and illness resources.
Navigating religion and mental health at the same time can be especially tricky especially during a time like Ramadan. Ramadan is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar and a month where Muslims will fast from dusk till dawn. It is a very rewarding month where Muslims grow spiritually through practicing their faith.
This year I am spending Ramadan like I usually do - at home and with my family. However, the circumstances are different. Normally every year in the past I have had distractions such as schoolwork or my job to keep me occupied. This year though, with quarantine, I am surrounded by only my thoughts.
I’ve made myself a list this year to keep track of some Practical Goals:
Eat nutritious foods during sehri, (the meal eaten early in the morning before dawn and Faj’r prayer to start the fast)
Drink plenty of water,
Maintain a good routine for sleep.
For myself, it is necessary to have a routine I can stick to so I feel like I have made an effective use of the hours in my day as opposed to lounging around and finding myself unproductive and in a funk.
Spending time with my family, I like to go sit in my brothers room or my parents room and coexist so I am not by myself all day long.
Taking my kitten on walks, (My boy turns 2 years old tomorrow - May 1st)
It’s important for me to remember the things in my life that do make me happy and engage in them.
Get some fresh air, with quarantine it can be hard but I need the fresh air to feel refreshed.
Get ready, even though I am not going anywhere I do my best to wake up, shower, and put on clothes that aren’t just loungewear. This doesn’t always happen but I’m trying my best.
Doing my makeup, this also does not always happen but I like to do my makeup when I want to do something fun. I love messing around with eyeshadow and doing fun looks so this takes up some time while I wait to break my fast.
Pray. I spend most of my time during Ramadan praying or doing some type of religious activity which makes me feel closer to my religion and gives me tranquility. I also love the feeling of crying as weird as that may sound, because it’s therapeutic and relieving.
It’s important to remember that these goals will look different for everyone and navigating religion is tough on its own without the stigma of mental illness. You are valid in the choices and behavior you partake in.
Written by: Huda Ismail
